Christian Yelich is excitement distilled into the human form. The reigning NL MVP Award winner is a combination of everything you want in an athlete: speed, power, defense, with a penchant for appearing in the biggest moments where his the team needs him the most.
He’s also a laid-back guy from Southern California, with a bright smile, great hair and, like most professional athletes, an incredible physique. That’s why it makes so much sense that ESPN chose him to participate his next body number.
What doesn’t make sense is why they took this funnya nice and exciting guy and had him pose in an industrial warehouse:
ESPN ‘reveals’ photos of Christian Yelich’s body issues. pic.twitter.com/qHqQW9x1hI
– Matt Hietpas (@MattyHip) August 27, 2019
This is an OSHA violation waiting to happen. Did ESPN kidnap Yelich? Why would anyone want to stand naked next to industrial supplies that are apparently about to catch fire? Why would the fun-loving dreamboat choose to sit naked on the floor of what appears to be an abandoned building?
And why is it so dull – so gray, as if sunlight had been barred?
This is also not a new thing. When it comes to photographing male athletes, the world has decided that there is no room for joy, nor comfort, nor hell, even color.
Alex Rodriguez posed for a series of photos in which he kissed himself in the mirror. While you may remember this particularly strange moment, you may have forgotten that the shoot also featured a mattress lying on the floor of what appeared to be a dirty basement.
Why take the most beautiful men in the world and place them in places that seem unsanitary at best and dangerous at worst?
Here are some photos of Alex Rodriguez looking in the mirror pic.twitter.com/NP1zQjqslF
-Thomas Evans (@ThomasBEvans) July 31, 2013
Is this what being masculine is all about: putting him in an endless series of Eli Roth sets? Javier Baez is nicknamed “El Mago” – “The Magician”, inspired by all the incredible things he can do on the pitch – but even he was placed in an empty warehouse.
Curse breaker. World Series Champion. Cover star.@Cubs second baseman @javy23baez launches the 2017 issue of ESPN the Magazine. pic.twitter.com/m9y8vRRjZp
–ESPN (@espn) June 20, 2017
When not placed in various locations that children would dare each other to enter, players are photographed in an eternal void. Prince Fielder was stuck in naked perpetual purgatory. Giancarlo Stanton can apparently only be appreciated in the throes of deep space.
Giancarlo Stanton on one of ESPN’s The Body Issue. pic.twitter.com/yYqYhg4qgs
– JERICK (@jrkvsl_) July 10, 2013
This is not to say that these are bad photos or that they were not artfully done. It’s just that they’re all the same: hard, tough, a million miles from pleasure.
When in reality, the players we see on the field are an inexhaustible source of emotions: shouting with joy by winning a game at the bottom of the ninth, double laughing with an old friend and creating ever weirder pranks with their teammates in the dugout. When their photo shoots reflect this, you get things like a don’t-you-even-try-to-contain-his-happiness Yasiel Puig photographed naked and screaming from behind the lid of a popcorn jar:
After 4 years, I finally decided to take these amazing and incredible photos with @espnmag. I hope everyone enjoyed them as much as I did. Thanks @espnmag, I had a blast! #2018 #review #espn #body 👍🏼🤭😬🙌🏽👊🏾👅🏋🏽♂️👌🏻 pic.twitter.com/cGWo8vDIpN
– Yasiel Puig (@YasielPuig) June 25, 2018
More, please.
