Every year, on virtually every sports website and radio station in the country, we become unilaterally obsessed with media. God bless us.
If it were just the NCAA tournament, March Madness would be a lot less crazy than it is. Something about the reminder of the joy we feel in filling out a bracket has led writers and speakers deep into the time-wasting ether, creating brackets about everything you could dream of bracketing .
Recently, Grantland.com published a much-discussed range for determining the best character in the HBO series Thread, a support assembled somewhat haphazardly, as evidenced by putting a tiered character like Bubbles as the #7 seed. Seriously, Grantland, find a fucking clue on this.
Last year, the indefatigable Spencer Hall of EDSBS.com created the “Condiment Bracket” inspired which had the internet buzzing for weeks, debating how Sriracha might one day beat ketchup and wondering if butter is actually a condiment.
I’m always upset about the poor quality of ranch dressing seedlings.
I digress. This isn’t so much a debate about condiments as it is a debate about whether debating the best condiment is more or less entertaining than debating the best character. Thread.
However, the Ultimate Bracket Bracket is larger than just a debate, as we have included a field of 68 different bracket ideas, ranging from the best Seinfeld quotes from the best sports sneaker to a reference of Jezebel’s Controversial Cake vs. Pie Tournament Two years ago, I wondered if it was better than a plate full of sugary breakfast treats. (Note: This is not the case.)
These are just a few examples. It’s not really a parenthesis about any of these things, that is, it’s a parenthesis for all of them.
Ultimate Bracket support is separated into four regions (which we’ll outline below, with a PDF of the entire support available at the end). Each slice is filled with 17 pre-made slice ideas. Some materials already exist, while others have been suggested just for this medium (feel free to take any of the ideas and use them).
After much thought, the four regions came down to the four topics we seem to debate the most: TV & Movies, Food, Pop Culture, and Sports.
Within each region, as you will see below, the selected installment ideas were selected based in part on which debates would be the most heated and which topics would attract the largest audiences. Feel free to add your own “last four outs” in the comments.
Television and films
1. Mob Films vs. 16. Chick Films – A classic top seed headlined by a Final Four potential of The Freedmen, Godfather, Godfather 2 And Scarf against a brave 16 seed who would be filled with copious kisses in the rain.
8. Best Muppet vs. 9. Best Western – It’s not the Kermit the Frog runaway that you might think. And for Best Western, I’m not talking about the hotel chain. Or am I talking about the hotel chain?
5. Seinfeld Quotes Against 12. David Milch Monologues or JJ Abrams Conspiracies (Play-In) – The play-in game in this bracket is fascinating. Listening to a slice full of Milch monologues would be amazing, but only if more than half are read by Ian McShane.
Yet either would be destroyed by an underseeded system. Seinfeld quotes. This probably should have been the #2 seed.
4. The Simpsons Quotes Against 13. Judd Apatow Projects – Another landslide setting up a solid second round showdown between Seinfeld Quotes and Simpsons Quotes. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, so don’t be a cow, dude.
6. Transvestites vs. 11. Free nude scenes – Obvious upset alert, although film and TV cross-dressers provide incredible depth of field. Yet for every Will Ferrell clip, you might get a American pie Or Revenge of the Nerds plan that will likely win the popular vote.
3. Movie and TV Cars vs. 14. Worst Spin-Off – The best TV spin-off is difficult, but the worst is much more fun. Yet the debate between KITT and General Lee would take no less than eight hours to properly dissect. And can either of these cars go back in time?
7. SNL Characters against 10. Thread Characters – I had the Sopranos here but cut it for SNL because the top seed was already linked to the mafia. SNL has so many great characters in its story. Thread is a great show, but the Grantland bracket was so cowardly that it put a sour note on a great idea, lowering the seed to No. 10.
That’s the problem with these brackets: once someone has made them, it’s impossible to make them again even if you think there are defects.
2. Superhero Movies vs. 15. Best Criteria Collection – We could have an entire region dedicated solely to Batman films. Billy Zane’s The ghost would be a total sleeper.
Food
1. Beer vs. 16. Vegan Meat and Dairy Substitutes – This is the largest landslide in the history of the medium.
8. Boxed Things vs. 9. Best Non-Food Item Used as Food – I think these two categories may be underrated, making this one of the strongest first round matchups in this area.
5. Pizza Toppings vs. 12. Best Burgers or Best Fast Food Restaurant (Play-in) – It was only a play-in because the debate is impossible to decide. The best burger is clearly based on where you live in the country, so making the Final Four would be impossible. Best Fast Food is also a bit of a regional category, but it could still be fun to debate.
Pizza toppings are an age-old debate that people have every weekend of the year. A stand would be fun to see.
4. Condiments vs. 13. Things in a Deli – We could have an entire region just for salamis.
6. Cheese vs. 11. Best Dip – The real question is where queso would be classified as one or the other…or both.
3. Sweet breakfast cereals vs. 14. Desserts – Desserts could be higher, but the idea is so subjective that it’s impossible to have a true winner. If you like chocolate, some things will do better than if you don’t. Additionally, is a cinnamon roll dessert or breakfast?
Give me a debate between Cookie Crisp and Super Golden Crisp any day of the week.
7. Midnight Snacks vs. 10. Dinner Favorites – Actually, it could be almost the same list, but in a different order.
2. Best use of bacon vs. 15. Best use of the ranch – The Elite Eight match between Bacon and Beer is something the world deserves to witness.
Pop culture
1. Drunk Facebook Status Updates vs. 16. Darren Rovell’s Twitter Rules or People Using Google+ (Play-in) – The most epic game ever created that would rock Twitter…or atwitter, I guess…for a topic that most of the world has no idea even exists. Drunken updates on Facebook would destroy all comers in the first round.
8. Internet Memes vs. 9. Twitter Hashtags – Meh. Lol. #Weak sauce
5. Animals playing instruments vs. 12. Wedding songs that end up becoming breakup songs – There’s plenty of potential for the plucky No. 12 seed here, but the keyboard cat and friends have their eyes on a deep tournament.
4. Funniest Person (not named Louis CK) vs. 13. Things That Look Like Jesus – It is widely accepted that Louis CK is Jesus, right?
6. Animated GIFs vs. 11. Taiwanese YouTube Animation – An incredible match in the first round. I wonder if the Taiwanese YouTubers would make an animation of this whole installment for me?
3. Boring TV catchphrases that infiltrate daily life vs. 14. Reality TV Characters Who Become Famous in Real Life – Did I do this? Agreement or no agreement? It’s hot.
7. Vintage Lunch Boxes vs. 10. Celebrity Weddings and Funerals – What about our need for people to marry and die? I don’t understand why we like watching funerals of famous people. When I die, please bury my ashes in an old Batman lunch box.
2. One-Hit Wonders vs. 15. The Worst Indie Rock Songs People Pretend to Like to Look Cool – This #15 seed could upset the second seed, if only people weren’t ashamed to vote for her for fear of not being considered cool.
Sports
1. NCAA Tournament against 16. Most hated athlete or best athlete turned TV analyst (Play-in) – No support exceeds the actual support.
8. Best score (any sport) vs. 9. Best dunk – This combines the two most debated current sports topics of all time, so it had to be a first round match.
5. Hardest Sport to Master vs. 12. Worst Starting QB in the NFL – Who cares who you think is the best quarterback? Let’s find the worst. And while quarterbacking is difficult to master, it’s certainly not as difficult as golf, hockey, slalom skiing, or hitting a baseball or…
4. Athlete you would least want to fight against 13. Most confusing advanced stat – This confrontation helps us answer the centuries-old question of what Georges St-Pierre’s xFIP is.
6. Best Comeback vs. 11. Best Cinderella Story – This is an obvious setup for Cinderella to run.
3. Most athletic athlete vs. 14. Least surprising athlete who is now broke – Turns out Allen Iverson might not actually be broke. Funny, in his prime he may have also been the most athletic athlete, pound for pound.
But who is this athlete now? It has to be LeBron James, right? Could it be a tennis player?
This is one of the installments that should really happen.
7. Best sports trophy versus 10. Best athlete sneaker – Of course we would have an entire region of Jordan. For the best sport trophy, it’s a very difficult decision. The Stanley Cup has an aura, but the BCS trophy is the only thing the organization has managed to do. Let’s not forget the Lombardi Trophy. Besides, the World Cup – it’s not even a real cup – could be a dormant phase.
2. Best stadium or stadium against 15. Mistresses of Tiger Woods – A year ago, Tiger Woods would have been a #5 seed at worst, but he’s certainly still on the list because he’s probably the only athlete alive where nearly 68 mistresses are known. That’s not to say there aren’t others (athletes, not mistresses), but Tiger’s ladies became a part of our lives for months.
As for which baseball stadium or stadium is better, it’s the age-old sports debate that everyone in America loves to have. There are a handful of places that could easily win, making a clear winner almost impossible. Yet the debate – sight lines, food, parking, etc. – would be so much fun to have.
Add your thoughts in the comments. Thanks to @DirtyGert And @SeanBlanda for a ton of help. To download a high-resolution PDF of the Ultimate Bracket Bracket, Click here.