It’s week 10 of the 2023 college football season and just a few days away reveal of the first playoff rankings of the year.
Are we talking about Ohio State overtaking Georgia for first place? No.
Are we talking about Oregon and Washington who are somehow outside the top four despite having playoff-worthy resumes? No.
Are we talking about Alabama coming back from quarterback hell to haunt the teams ranked above? No.
We’re talking about Connor Stallions maybe do weird things on the sidelines and/or throughout the history of humanity. If you had asked me three weeks ago who this man was, I couldn’t tell you. He is now as well known to fans as any Heisman Trophy contender. Which puts the Stallions in very rare company when it comes to this bizarre sport. He’s a main character every day of the week except game day. He’s the kind of person who, if you only paid attention to college football on Saturdays during the season, you might not even know existed. But if you follow along every day, you could probably already recite his horoscope.
It also means that I learned too much about this man. More than I ever wanted to learn, really. And that probably puts him on the strangest (most incomplete) list in the sport. I’m sure I’m forgetting many more, but these people have been living rent-free in my head for far too long.
Assassin Pole
If you don’t know who he is… or I don’t know why you should know – there is probably no possible way to prepare for what you are about to read. So let’s jump straight to the tweet from two years ago that caused the college football world to do a collective double-take:
I heard a report from a credible source that Texas Longhorns special teams coach Jeff Banks’ monkey attacked and seriously injured a young Trick-or-Treater last Halloween night.
The monkey’s jaws apparently had to be torn off the small child.
-Tom Campbell (@thomasgcampbell) November 1, 2021
The monkey, named Gia, belonged to Banks’ girlfriend, Danielle Thomas, an exotic dancer who used the stage name Pole Assassin. Gia not only provides emotional support to Thomas, but also participates in his act.
I’m sorry you know all this now, but imagine how I felt having this information in my brain for the last two years, to no use.
Harvey Updyke
(AP Photo/Dill Butch)
“Let me tell you what I did. The weekend after the Iron Bowl, I went to Auburn because I lived 30 miles away, and I poisoned Toomer’s two trees. I put Spike 80DF on it. They are not dead yet, but they will certainly die.
With that evil, eerie call on the Paul Finebaum Show in 2011, Updyke’s voice seared itself into the minds of college fans everywhere and took Alabama’s interstate rivalry with Auburn into dark territory.
Harvey Updyke served more than 70 days in jail and was ordered to pay $800,000 in restitution. He died in 2020 at age 71 and still owes $791,857..
I wish I had never heard of him.
Nevin Shapiro and John Ruiz
Sam Navarro-USA TODAY Sports
The amazing 30 for 30 Aside from the films covering Miami Hurricanes football, the promoters of this program have done more damage to the team than any coach since Larry Coker.
Shapiro was sentenced to 20 years in prison for running a nearly $1 billion Ponzi scheme while providing long list of prohibited benefits to many Canes players in the early 2000s.
Ruiz took over Shapiro’s role as financier to Miami’s stars by using his company, LifeWallet, to fund NIL deals. Everything is fine, except Ruiz and company are now the target of federal civil and criminal investigationsaccording to Miami Herald.
The U: Part 3anybody?
Logan Young
An Alabama booster is convicted in federal court of trying to bribe high school players to join the Crimson Tide. he is found dead in his Memphis home during his appeal in 2006. After initially suspecting foul play, authorities determined that Young had tripped while climbing the stairs and hit his head on a railing.
Fortunately, no one in college football is prone to conspiracy theories.
Jimmy Sexton
Make way for Memphis attorney Jimmy Sexton, the man who was lucky enough to share a dorm room in Tennessee with Reggie White and turn them into one of the most successful sports agencies in the world.
The CAA executive now represents players and coaches across the sport, making it the most visible “invisible” hand in football, wielding almost unlimited power.
It turns out that Memphis is actually the center of the college football universe, but that’s a topic for another day.
T. Boone Pickens
(Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images)
The year is 3125. The charred remains of Earth float over whatever remains of the Milky Way. Oxygen hasn’t been detected in centuries, T. Boone Pickens, dead since 2019, donates another $50 million to Oklahoma State football.
Papa Jean
AJ Mast/AP Images for Papa John’s
Speaking of the charred remains of an empire…
Has anyone seen Papa John at any Louisville games recently? No? Cool. Let’s keep it that way.
Tom Mars
Is your favorite coach or player in trouble with the NCAA or law enforcement? There’s a good chance they’ll contact Tom Mars.
Formerly a high-level executive at Walmart, the Arkansas lawyer now spends his time taking on NCAA statutes. He first burst onto the college football landscape through a lawsuit he filed on behalf of Houston Nutt against Ole Miss. release of incriminating phone records of then-Rebels head coach Hugh Freezewhich ultimately cost him his job
Mars replaced Jim Harbaugh and helped blow up the NCAA transfer system.
If this is the first time you’ve heard his name, rest assured it won’t be the last.
Tommy Tuberville
(AP Photo/John Minchillo)
A U.S. senator who understands how college football works? Yeah, that will be the day.
