As I sat and watched the NFL draft, I remembered why the whole production became so ridiculously intolerable.
Sure, I love the drama of who’s going where, who’s going to fall, and which teams are going to trade up or down, but the whole analysis part is pure bullshit.
The primary five-man broadcast team that ESPN decided to employ for the 2010 draft consisted of Jon Gruden, Steve Young, Tom Jackson, Chris Berman and Mel Kiper, Jr.
Before we begin, let’s review each man’s qualifications.
Jon Gruden
He landed his first head coaching job at age 35 with the Raiders, went 40-28 in four seasons with them and made the playoffs three times.
He then joined Tampa Bay and became the youngest coach to win a Super Bowl at the time. He then led the Bucs to a 57-55 record over seven seasons with three playoff appearances, including a Super Bowl title.
You’d think he’d have some experience with exactly what it takes to build an NFL football team.
Steve Young
A two-time NFL MVP, Steve Young was also named the Super Bowl MVP in 1994. He is a highly decorated football legend who spent the majority of his career with the 49ers.
But even if he was a great player, he has no experience in a football front office, which means he is not very schooled in the art of building a winning football team.
Tom Jackson
He enjoyed a 14-year career with the Denver Broncos and was a three-time Pro-Bowl and two-time All-Pro selection.
However, like Young, Jackson has no front office experience, and while he is a passable game commentator, he tends to chatter and rarely adds insight on draft day.
Chris Berman
He is nothing more than a broadcaster. Some find him charming and amusing, but in reality he is just a mindless parrot.
We quickly tire of his phonetic anecdotes. He masks his lack of football knowledge with a lot of literary laziness.
Mel Kiper Jr.
Since 1984, Kiper has covered the NFL Draft and the prospects involved.
You would think that because of his profession and the longevity he enjoys, he would be good at this. It certainly isn’t. Kiper was widely criticized by front office football officials due to his lack of experience playing football at any level, professional or amateur.
He is little more than a lacquered prompter, who loves to hear himself talk.
One in five commentators are qualified to analyze what happens in the draft. One of the five participated in the process of selecting amateur players for a professional football team.
Gruden made a seamless transition from the sideline to the broadcast booth. He is competent, insightful and honest: three great qualities for a good broadcaster.
Plus, he’s downright hilarious on some occasions.
I thought it would be fun to go back and look at some of the ESPN discussions Mel Kiper Jr. hosted before the drafts and see how helpful what he had to say was.
Predicting the NFL Draft is pretty much useless for anyone, due to draft day trades and such. Mel Kiper Jr. seems to be even worse at predicting what teams need than your average Joe Blow football fan.
Additionally, I’ll highlight Mel Kiper’s four methods of topic avoidance so you can sift through his high-volume ramblings and possibly extract at least one useful nugget of information.
Mel Kiper Topic Avoidance Method #1: The List
Mark (Indy)
Mel, any idea where the Colts will go in the first round? Is there any chance Jerry Hughes is there?
I think at the moment, maybe not. For my final screening, I think I’ll take it off the board. Odrick might be there. Price. I could see them going to the DT. A sleeper could be East Carolina’s Linval Joseph.
Here we see Kiper employing Mel Kiper’s #1 topic avoidance method: the list.
He loves to use these methods to cover up his reporting incompetence. Pay attention, because we’ll cover them all before I’m done.
In this case, when he has no idea what he is talking about, his solution is to simply name names. He doesn’t even have to use them in a full sentence, and if he forgets the first name, he’ll just put the guy’s last name somewhere in the middle.
And with the 31st pick in the 2010 NFL Draft, the Colts select Texas Christian’s Jerry Hughes.
Mel Kiper’s Topic Avoidance Method #2: Change the Subject
Bill (Ox)
If Clausen goes down, do you see a team moving up from the second round to the middle of the first round to draft him?
He doesn’t let go. I thought maybe after the Redskins traded for McNabb it would hurt him. But the question is: are the Redskins still considering a QB? That’s the big question. Do they still have interest in No. 4? McNabb won’t let them draft number 4. He’ll have them 8-8 at worst. This might be their best chance in a long time to land an elite QB.
First, let me draw your attention to using Mel Kiper’s topic avoidance method #2: topic switching.
Not once in his response does he come close to answering the question.
Question: If Clausen slips, does anyone move from the second round to the last round to get him?
Answer: The Redskins are an 8-8 team at worst with McNabb, so do they want two expensive quarterbacks?
What the hell?
Second, Jimmy Clausen has done nothing to warrant anyone considering him an “elite” quarterback. And the Redskins jumped at the opportunity just a month ago to sign an elite quarterback. Donovan McNabb.
McNabb is an elite quarterback and has several good years left in him. There is no reason for Washington to look Clausen’s way, and they have not.
Repeat method #1: The list
Donnie (Oklahoma)
You mentioned that you didn’t think Bradford would be a Ram, who do you think would end up with him?
You have to think about the teams that view him as the guy. Seattle, Cleveland, Oakland, Buffalo, Washington. Any of these teams.
Saint Louis.
Seriously, the Rams have passed a half-dozen franchise quarterbacks over the past few years and seen themselves getting worse and worse.
To be a good team in the NFL, you need a guy behind center who can control a game.
Marc Bulger wasn’t that guy, and Kyle Boller certainly isn’t. In a draft where everyone was looking to move down, did Kiper really expect any of the teams he listed to put together the ridiculous package it would have taken to move up to a team?
Bradford has exceptional tools in the NFL and was by far the best quarterback in the draft.
And a team with serious needs at that position picked first.
Please note again the use of Mel Kiper’s Topic Avoidance Method #1. No explanation or overview, just a list of names.
Sorry, Mel: wrong again
Brian (Baton Rouge)
Do you think the Saints will take a linebacker in the first round and if so, who?
If they want a LB in the first round, they’ll probably look to Sean Weatherspoon. If they don’t go, then they might opt for an ED. Maybe he didn’t realize the Saints won the Super Bowl and therefore held the 32nd overall pick.
Sean Weatherspoon never fell that far, there were too many teams that needed help from a 15-30 linebacker.
But I think Kiper may have asked all of these teams to select Jimmy Clausen.
The Saints ended up not going with a linebacker in the first round. They also didn’t take Mel’s advice regarding a DE and opted for a cornerback out of Florida State.
Mel Kiper’s Topic Avoidance Method #3: The Fall of Random Facts
Brad (Colorado)
Were you higher on McFadden a few years ago than you were on Spiller now?
They are pretty much the same. McFadden was versatile, but Spiller is a dynamic pass-catching option and dynamic return man, punts and kicks. Spiller is the best all-around comeback to come out since Reggie Bush. Bush has a Super Bowl ring. One of the reasons they won was his versatility. I always said that even when he wasn’t playing, teams focused on him. That’s what Spiller will do.
Please note the italicized sentence. This is Mel Kiper’s Topic Avoidance Method #3: The Random Fact Drop.
He drops this beauty about Bush having a ring at the Super Bowl, which has absolutely nothing to do with the subject at hand and, regardless, does not accurately reflect Reggie Bush’s performance in the NFL.
The Saints’ championship wasn’t won because of Reggie Bush’s all-around abilities.
But by telling you this, he’s distracting you from the fact that he has no idea what he’s talking about.
Me Kiper Topic Avoidance Method #4: The Complete 180
Benjamin (La Colonie, Texas)
I see Trent Williams projected #6 overall. That would make three OU picks in the top 6! (assuming Bradford and McCoy are 1 and 3 as expected) When was the last time you remember three picks from a school this high in the draft? (at least top 10).
Two of OU’s players didn’t play at all: Gresham and Bradford. OU didn’t get what they thought they were going to get this season. It’s amazing that they have all these perspectives. Williams, at 313 pounds, ran a 4.81 at the combine. That’s incredible speed. You think about guys like TEs who run 4.8. 34.5 vertical. He has to work harder in the weight room during the offseason. A number of OTs have done more than 30 repetitions and he hasn’t done it. You definitely want 25 or more, and Williams only made 23. Anthony Davis only made 21.
Here’s a perfect example of Mel Kiper’s Topic Avoidance Method #4: The Complete 180.
He takes the question, completely ignores it, and answers something different. In this case, the reader asks when was the last time a school topped the first round like this.
The normal fan’s mind immediately goes back to recent classes coming out of places like USC and, later, Miami and Florida State.
But Kiper doesn’t mention any of that. It just lists combination numbers that ultimately aren’t that important and that any interested fan probably already knows.
Let’s summarize.
Mel Kiper Topic Avoidance Method #1: The List
Mel Kiper’s Topic Avoidance Method #2: Change the Subject
Mel Kiper’s Topic Avoidance Method #3: Random Fact Drop
Mel Kiper Topic Avoidance Method #4: The Complete 180
